Imperfect Mommy

I’m not proud of it but I’ve:

1. Ordered delivery meals six out of seven nights.
2. Allowed our kid to watch television or play on the computer so that I could work.
3. Pretended to be asleep.
4. Hidden [from my boys] in the bathroom.
5. Eaten junk food after sending our kid to school with a healthy lunch and snacks.
6. Put a just worn outfit back in the closet because it wasn’t really dirty.
7. Forgotten to brush my teeth.
8. Skipped sections of the story that I was reading aloud.
9. Left my child in a diaper so long that the weight of his mess pushed the absorbent crystals out through the lining and onto the floor.
10. Asked God to remove the demon from my colicky child.
11. Kept for myself socks that my mother sent my husband or son.
12. Covered the urine soaked toddler's bed with a towel to avoid a middle of the night sheet change.
13. Saved a ripe diaper for my husband to change.
14. Licked my finger and cleaned a face.
15. Bribed a child so that I could have peace.
16. Borrowed money from our kid's piggy bank.
17. Been short with my son when I was angry with my husband.
18. Been short with my husband when I was angry with my son.
19. Been short with my husband and son just because.
20. Forgotten to pass along email messages and polite sentiments.
21. Slept in the toddler’s bed to escape the crowded big bed.
22. Fallen out of the kid's twin bed.
23. Forgotten my age and wobbled off of a skateboard.
24. Delayed flushing to avoid waking people.
25. Slept clutching a generously shared stuffed animal.  
26. Pretended not to understand a game so that I wouldn't have to play it.
27. Not seeked during Hide And Seek.
28. Switched from a blow dry to a wash and set so that I can have more time out of the house.
29. Told my child that the open arcade was closed.
30. Invented a nocturnal house monster that eats candy, throws away treasurers and otherwise acts against sleeping children.
31. Declined social invitations that I never discussed with the family.
32. Used the stroller longer than necessary because it was easier than walking with Little Mister 12-Inch Long Legs.
33. Felt satisfied when Ms. Perpetually Perky confessed ordinary motherhood - marriage disappointments.
34. Chugged wine out of the bottle.
35. Donated toys and books without notifying the owner.  
36. Attended church for the childcare.
37. Napped at the movies.
38. Paid a sitter to take our kid to an activity so that I wouldn't have to deal with the other parents.
39. Fallen asleep in living room pillow - blanket fort.
40. Delighted in torturing / embarrassing my child.